Unattainable Forgiveness

Like many LDS people, I was born into a large family. I am the oldest boy, and have one older sister and several younger brothers and sisters. As I grew up, my father was employed as a salesman, selling electrical supplies. While I lived at home the accounts my Dad worked were pretty marginal. Due to the accounts, he did not earn a lot of money and with a lot of kids my Mom and Dad had to do a balancing act just to get by. Even with limited finances my parents made good decisions and we never did without.

One of the activities my family enjoyed doing while I was growing up was going to Pine Top, which is an LDS owned camp-ground near Idaho City. Pine Top had a swimming pool, several cabins and plenty of outdoor activities.

Around the time I was eight years old, we went up to Pine-Top for the week-end to relax. On this particular trip we went for a hike to a tree that was a short distance from the camp ground that was about 400 years old. Although I was young, I'd been on this hike a few times before. On this particular occasion, I had got ahead of the rest of the group because I was very confident and always wanted to be first. I thought I knew the way, but I ended up getting lost. I sat in the woods, listening for the rest of my family, but no one came. Alone and scared I started to panic and cry; As I began my way back, I was crying out to God for help. During my cries to God, I began to negotiate with Him.

You see, even though I was not very old, I’d developed a swearing habit. In fact, I remember enjoying swearing as I'd skip home from school and I would sing a little jingle I’d come up with that made up of several curse words. I’m not really sure why I did this, but I thought it was pretty catchy, so I would skip and sing it over and over.

As I was trying to find why way back to camp, I made a deal with God. If God would get me back to camp, I would not swear anymore.

At the time I would have done about anything to get out of my situation. As usual God was faithful and lived up to His end of the deal, and got me back to Camp. I remember walking back to the upper ridge of the camp ground and looking down at my family by one of the cabins. I sat there for a minute observing, expecting that everyone would be frantically running around, wondering where I was and would quickly head out to look for me. However, when I walked down to where they were at, I was surprised that they hadn't even noticed I had been missing. When I look back and think I am glad that no matter how large God's family, He not only knows where we are at, He knows the exact number of hairs on our head.

God was faithful and He delivered on his promise, now it was my turn to live up to my end of the deal. Although I was sincere, and intended to keep my end of the agreement, and wish I could say that I was as faithful as God, I wasn't. It took me less than a couple of days to get back to my old ways. (It is kind of strange thinking that a child of 7 or 8 could have already developed a habit like swearing.)

As I continued throughout my childhood and into adolescence it seemed this pattern of asking God for forgiveness and not forsaking my sin was a perpetual issue. Whether it be a gossiping, lying, stealing, swearing or anything else, it seemed I could not stop for very long.

Even as a young Child, I lived in fear of God. I would hope that God would not come back until I had solved my problem and no longer sinned.

Looking back I see how naive I was to think that as a person grows older they eventually lose the desire to sin and overcome it. That was almost thirty years ago, and what I've discovered is that dealing with sin gets harder as you get older not easier. It becomes something that is familiar, easy, almost second nature. You become comfortable with sin, and a lot of people become so comfortable with it, they don't even realize half the time they are violating God's laws.

As a born and raised Mormon, I felt there was hope for forgiveness. Unlike what many churches teach, the LDS belief is that to be forgiven of sin, you must not only confess your sin, but forsake it too (D&C 58:42-43)

In the LDS classic the Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball, there is an entire chapter devoted to the Abandonment of Sin. The chapter starts off quoting D&C 58:43 and then states "THERE IS ONE CRUCIAL TEST OF REPENTANCE. This is abandonment of the sin". It goes on further claiming that, "The saving power does not extend to him who merely wants to change his life. True repentance prods one to action."

As a young boy, I understood clearly what the LDS President Spencer W. Kimball was teaching. Where was my action? Where was my resolve? How could I say that I loved God, when the truth is that I hated God. Not because I didn't want to love God, or actually be loved by God, but it felt like God was a sadistic torturer who enjoyed setting me up for failure. I'd ask God for forgiveness, but it might be an hour, a day, a week or even in some cases more than a year before I'd repeat the same sin. But time was my enemy, since regardless of my resolve, I also gave in.

How am I suppose to think that God would forgive a person over and over, for the same mistake? It reminds me of the statement, burn me once shame on you, burn me twice shame on me. Of course God knows this phrase, He has to, which is why to receive forgiveness you must forsake your sin.

Another excuse I sometimes hear people make is that, "the devil made me do it." Although people wish they could blame the devil, the truth is that we are each given our agency. The devil can't make you do anything that you do not choose. This is a fundamental teaching, and much of the reason for the war in the pre-existence. Plus, according to the Book of Mormon, we each have the power to over-come temptation because it says in I Nephi 3:7, "...the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

To me this meant, if I'm sinning how could I expect God to forgive me. He'd already provided me a way out, which I chose not to take, so I'm choosing my desires over God. It was my choice, my decision; I was improperly using my agency to satisfy my own desires and lusts.

Needless to say, I felt hopeless. I was weak, and I knew that I was a failure to God. I felt like the best I could ever hope for was a place in the terrestrial kingdom when I died. I desired to be acceptable to God, but had no hope.

My family likes to tell me that I'm just being too hard on myself. They try to blame some of my old Bishops for being too tough. They tell me that God is not really that harsh, that he has more mercy than that. But I disagree with them, since in Romans 6:23 we're told that the "wages of sin is death."

If you really think you can live up to the LDS doctrines for salvation, I challenge you to examine LDS doctrine.

In II Nephi 25:23, it says "...that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do."

Are you really doing all you can do? If you are honest and you're like me, you're lucky if you're doing half of all you can do. Couldn't we all spend more time in prayer? Are you paying your tithing on your net or on you gross? Are you wishing that you had more stuff? Do you wish you had more money? Do you like to talk about the other people at church? Ever exaggerate the truth (white lie)? We all are guilty of not doing all we could do.

Where is our assurance? How do we ever have peace with God? Does anyone really have peace with God, or are they just lying to themselves, and disregarding the scripture?

I know that many people believe that they do the best they can in this life, and then when they die, God will give them more time to pay back their sin debt. Is this true? Do we have more time after we die to get everything squared up with God?

"32 For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors.
33 And now, as I said unto you before, as ye have had so many witnesses, therefore, I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed.
34 Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world.
35 For behold, if ye have procrastinated the day of your repentance even until death, behold, ye have become subjected to the spirit of the devil, and he doth seal you his; therefore, the Spirit of the Lord hath withdrawn from you, and hath no place in you, and the devil hath all power over you; and this is the final state of the wicked."

Many people have told me, just do the best you can and you'll be fine. God knows that none of us are perfect, and as long as you are heading in the right direction that is all God expects. God is far more loving and merciful than we really give Him credit for. This gives many people peace, but for me it doesn't. I don't want to go throughout life hoping that I did enough. I want to know for sure I did what is required to live with God.

"And I say unto you again that he cannot save them in their sins; for I cannot deny his word, and he hath said that no unclean thing can inherit the kingdom of heaven; therefore, how can ye be saved, except ye inherit the kingdom of heaven? Therefore, ye cannot be saved in your sins."

This passage seems to say that if we want to be saved, we better stop sinning. If we can't stop sinning then don't expect to inherit the kingdom of heaven because God can't save us in our sins.

Is this really true? Maybe I'm the only one who feels helpless by sin's hold on my life. One of the things I've discovered is that I can stop sinning for a while. I think to myself wow this is great, I knew I could do it; but then I remember that pride is a sin.

In Isaiah 64:6 it says that our righteous acts are filthy rags. If my righteous acts are filthy rags, and my sin is an offense against God, how do we have any hope! It seems that forgiveness is unattainable.

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